Coffin Ed’s Predictions For What Lies Ahead in 2026 (Naked City)

Oasis belted out ‘Don’t Look Back In Anger’ during their Australian tour to thousands of adoring fans. Easy for them to reflect in such a way – their accountant had just tallied up the box office from their sellout stadium concerts. For many of us 2025 was a year to erase from our memory, but its consequences have made that almost impossible. Endless global conflicts resulting in massive civilian deaths, a sky rocketing cost of living and the sheer insanity of Donald Trump made it a year to look back with rancour.

It’s around this time of year that media of all descriptions trot out their best and worst of the last twelve months in what is sometimes referred to as the ‘list making season’. Much of it is just opinionated tabloid trivia but then again some lists are based on genuine numerical analysis.

Google for example recently released its list of top trending personalities, not the most searched for people like Trump, Musk and Taylor Swift, but those whose searches spiked significantly over a sustained period. Somewhat surprisingly the top spot went to the newly elected New York mayor, Zohran Mamdani.

Even more surprising was the inclusion of UK adult film actress and provocateur Bonnie Blue in the top ten. It’s no secret Bonnie was recently busted in Bali, on her global ‘Bang Bus’ tour during Australian schoolies week. She is currently banned from entering Australia but let’s give her the inaugural ‘I’ve Been To Bali (& Busted) Too’ award.

‘Best Of’ gongs can get very tedious and what interests me more are the predictions various pundits like to make for the year ahead. Back in 2024, I made a few myself including Donald Trump taking back the Panama Canal with old buddy Hulk Hogan leading the troops. Needless to say that hasn’t happened but maybe the invasion is now destined for Venezuela.

Then again I did suggest that Robert Kennedy Jnr would abolish all vaccines in the US and evoke a certain medieval nostalgia with the return of polio, tuberculosis and leprosy. He hasn’t quite gone that far but give him credit, he has warned that male circumcision can lead to autism and Wi-Fi radiation can cause cancer.

So what the heck, let’s again take inspiration from the great American psychic Jeron Criswell King, and make the following predictions for 2026:

Naked City’s official 2026 predictions:

• Donald Trump drifts into a permanent state of narcolepsy but with the help of AI is able to remain as president, his face artificially animated and a chatbot spruiking his usual nonsense.
• Robert Kennedy Jnr announces a new Willy The Worm children’s book, based on the parasitic worm he claims once ate part of his brain. Disney are quick to secure the film rights and Trump acolyte Kid Rock is signed for the voice overs.
• Australia Post is overwhelmed as thousands of Australian teenagers under sixteen turn to snail mail, messaging each other with millions of lewd and bullying letters each week. Hundreds of over worked posties quit in protest.
• Pauline Hanson attempts to climb Uluru (or Ayers Rock as she still calls it) whilst wearing a burqa, as a protest against multiculturalism and Indigenous rights. It doesn’t end well!
• Australian promoters announce a nationwide Black Sabbath tour with Ozzy Osbourne, only to later realise he’s been dead for over six months.
• Under pressure from the Coalition, Anthony Albanese comes clean with his full collection of rock’n’roll t-shirts which include The Slugfuckers, The Psychedelic Porn Crumpets, Cigarettes After Sex, Barenaked Ladies and Gaye Bykers On Acid.
• Sydney City Council issues on the spot fines for buskers caught singing Take Me Home Country Roads, Wonderwall and Down Under – with guitars impounded from anybody singing all three in the same set.
• After failing to entice Trump to the opening match of the Australian Rugby League season in Las Vegas, the NRL ditch sin city and move the first round matches to Leichhardt Oval. No casinos or hookers but Albo is bound to turn up in his Joy Division t-shirt. And he is guaranteed not to fall fast asleep during the first ten minutes of play.
• With Israel’s participation in the tacky Eurovision Song Contest inflaming international tensions, the organisers insist that all songs be sung in Esperanto, the world’s most widely spoken constructed language.

And finally:

• Bonnie Blue is eventually granted an Australian visa and invited to do three rounds of the MCG in the ‘bang bus’ as part of the pre-game entertainment for the 2026 AFL Grand Final.