NAKED CITY: THE ROYAL AUSTERITY TOUR!

The Queen is sending Charles and Camilla to Australia as part of her Diamond Jubilee celebrations. Goody goody gumdrops!  Perhaps it wouldn’t be a problem if she herself was picking up the tab. However as with most Royal visits it’s the Australian taxpayer who will cop the bill for the endless rounds of hospitality, souped-up security and assorted regal hoopla.

The Gillard Government will no doubt find the visit a welcome distraction from its plummeting popularity and the various state premiers yet another opportunity to stage the definitive ‘big event.’ Most all the tour will be celebrated ad nauseam by the mainstream media to whom the Royals are a godsend when it comes to padding out the six o’clock news and filling the pages of the Women’s Weekly.

What will be interesting is the coverage given to the Duchess of Cornball or Camilla Carpet Bowls as she is sometimes know. Often demonised in the British tabloids for a variety of reasons, surely the Australian media will have a vested interest in exposing her softer, caring, warm and fuzzy side and painting both her and Charles in a more favourable light than the one in which they are normally portrayed – AD Diana. 

After all Charles will probably be King one day, with Camilla at his side, and the more popular royalty are presented, the more newspapers and magazines you flog. The Royal spin doctors will also want to see the potty Charles and the frumpy Camilla portrayed in a more attractive way when they tour Australia.

With this is mind we are tipping a forthcoming Royal visit, low on pomp and big on austerity. We wouldn’t be surprised if Charles and Camilla opted to spend their first night in Sydney at the Matthew Talbot hostel, given Charles’s well-publicised empathy with the homeless.  Admittedly they would be whisked out the back door once the lights went out and straight to the InterContinental – but the gesture would be there.

Breakfast with Clover Moore would be a simple affair at Woolies Cafeteria followed by a photo call on Gilligans Island and a meet and greet along the Bourke St Cycle Path. The Royals love to hunt and Barry O’Farrell would personally lead a shooting expedition into the Botanical Gardens where they would bag Ibis, Cockatoo and water fowl for an al fresco BBQ lunch (all of Sydney invited – byo!).

A harbour cruise on the Manly Ferry would be the highlight of the afternoon’s activities (let’s hope this week’s raging seas make a welcome return!) followed by a night out at the Piano Room where Charles would exhibit his recently honed DJ skills and swap chummy banter with Kyle Sandilands. The remainder of the week would be spent in a caravan park at Chipping Norton where they would get to know the real people, attend a swingers club in nearby Milperra and film a tell-all interview with A Current Affair, donating the $100,000 fee to the Occupy Sydney movement.

Naturally a commemorative tea towel would be issued, on special at selected Bi-Lo stores, and all monies raised would be used to repatriate the Royals, flying Scoot to Singapore then bicycling back to the UK – free of any carbon footprint. Total cost to the Aussie taxpayer – zilch!

HIT LIST:  Lily Dior is one of this country’s finest soul and jazz singers and has just released a brilliant new album Let’s Talk About It which she will be releasing at the Basement on Wednesday 20 June along with an impressive 15-piece band. Lily has been a long time presenter on Eastside Radio and can be heard every Tuesday from 2pm to 4pm. .www.lilydior.com