Intervision 2025: Drinking Vodka When You Ought Nodka
Image: AP Photo/Pavel Bednyakov
When you are excluded from the Eurovision Song Contest, as Russia was in 2022 following their invasion of Ukraine, what do you do? Well comrade, you bloody well initiate your own. And that’s just what music loving Vladamir Putin did in February of this year when he ordered the return of the Intervision Song Contest, a cultural relic of the good old days of the Soviet Union.
It’s clearly a misconception that the supposedly cold-hearted Putin hasn’t a musical bone in his body, apart from a nationalistic allegiance to Tchaikovsky and Prokofiev. Not true at all! In 2010 he attended a children’s charity event in St Petersburg before an audience of international stars that included Gérard Depardieu, Kevin Costner, Sharon Stone, Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn.
After more than a few vodkas he was coaxed to the stage to sing a somewhat wobbly version of Fats Domino’s Blueberry Hill. Rumour has it that he was handed the lyrics on the back of a drink coaster by a covert US agent and at one stage barked out the very naughty “I found my thrill on the little blue pill”. Viagra for all at the after party!
Not surprisingly, SBS, who have championed the Eurovision Song Contest in this country, chose not to telecast the Intervision event. The Australian Government is alleged to have put pressure on US/Australian singer Vasiliki Karagiorgos — known as Vassy — not to participate.
No official reason was given but maybe some tastemakers in Canberra concluded that the event was just too damn tacky. Had Rolf Harris still been alive, it might have been completely different.
Nevertheless over twenty countries worldwide sent singers to the Live Arena in Novoivanovskoye, Moscow for the hastily organised event last fortnight. Countries included China, Cuba, Brazil, Vietnam, Egypt, Ethiopia, South Africa, Kenya, Serbia and fun loving Saudi Arabia, who are down to host the event in 2026. The jovial Saudis have yet to indicate whether floggings and amputations will eventuate for any losing contestants.
Surprisingly North Korea was unable to dig up a warbler and perhaps that had a lot to do with the personal tastes of portly leader Kim Jong Un. No flowery ballads for Kim. You might find it hard to believe but during his time studying in Bern in Switzerland during the late 1990s and early 2000s he developed a taste for bands such as Kraftwerk and The Cramps.
Given his monstrous, ultra-supremo ego, it’s little wonder he did not nominate himself, doing his very best Lux Interior impersonation and belting out Cramps favourites like Goo Goo Muck, I Was A Teenage Werewolf and Strychnine – a substance he knows only too well when it comes to disposing of those pesky dissidents.
Putin declared the event a definite non-political gathering and the Russian Foreign Minister, the very affable Sergey Lavrov (what a guy!), was put in charge of promoting it to the world – a difficult task indeed when you are also bombing the daylights out of Ukraine and slaughtering thousands in the process. Needless to say Ukraine viewed the contest sick to the stomach, describing it “as an instrument of hostile propaganda and a means of whitewashing the aggressive policy of the Russian Federation”.
Meanwhile party people’s fav Sergey claimed that there were countries whose artists were willing to participate in the contest, but were prevented by their various governments. He noted “We will not name these countries in order to avoid difficulties [in the future]. Anyone who wants to come will always be welcome.” That of course does not guarantee you will always leave, with plenty of cells standing by in the gulag.
Shown live on Russian TV and broadcast across parts of Asia, Africa, South America and Europe, Intervision claimed a potential viewing audience of 4 billion but subsequent surveys reveal the majority of viewers in those regions were tuned into a 12 hour SpongeBob SquarePants marathon that rated its head off.
The somewhat surprise winner of Intervision was Vietnam’s Duc Phuc, with a song based on a folktale about a legendary king, famous for repelling an enemy army – maybe a subtle reference to the Vietnam War and victory over the USA? The androgynous looking Duc collected over half a million dollars for the win, of which the Vietnamese Government is bound to swallow up a sizeable share.
His flamboyant appearance is unlikely to have gone down well with hard faced Russian senator Lilia Gumerova, a fervent supporter of the country’s crackdown on the gay and trans community. She’s quoted as saying that Intervision is there to “promote real music” and reject “fake values that are alien to any normal person” — a thinly disguised reference to Conchita Wurst, the bearded drag queen who won the 2024 Eurovision for Austria.
Maybe it’s just as well Kim Jong Un did not turn up, clad in body hugging gold latex, lashings of mascara and a massive crotch implant to exaggerate his normally modest manhood — belting out a supposed all ‘original’ song’ but one clearly appropriated from the Cramps greatest hits. Good lord, he could well have set a precedent for despots around the world to participate in future Intervisions.
Even Trump, with the backing of his favourite group The Village People, could turn up. It’s a hideous prospect of course and it’s well known he can’t hold a tune in a bucket. But with a mime track supplied by AI, it’s all frighteningly possible.
