NAKED CITY: RETURN OF THE WEIRD BEARDS

If you had to name two of the most popular body ‘beautifications’ of the past decade then surely tattoos and botox would lead the way. Running a close third, particularly amongst members of the entertainment community would be the beard, not just a pretentious stubble or a well cultivated fuzz – but a massive Ned Kelly style bush sprouting from the face like lantana weed run amok.

Foremost amongst the proponents of the anarchic free range beard are bands such as Grinderman and actor/musicians such as Noah Taylor whose Kellyesque outcrop sent the moshpit into apoplexy at the recent ARIA gongs. There’s even a band from Adelaide simply called The Beards who have embarked on a almost evangelical journey in their efforts to ban the razor. The songbook includes such gems as If Your Dad Doesn’t Have A Beard You’ve Got Two Mums and A Wizard Needs A Beard.

Throughout history the beard has undergone numerous adaptations from the luxuriant greybeard of Moses to the neatly trimmed minimalism of Henry VIII. Music wise it was a popular accoutrement during the folk and protest decade of the 1960s although virtually unsighted during the glam and new romantic periods. In the jazz and hipster scene of the 1950s the Dizzy Gillespie style goatee was definitely a sign of the cool and many Black artists of the soul era, like Isaac Hayes and Marvin Gaye were synonymous with a groovy facial topiary.

Yet in 2011 it’s the weird beard that has seen stocks in disposable razor companies plummeting world wide as beards are given the licence to bloom unchecked, reaching lengths not witnessed since the rambunctious days of the Vikings. The world of rock’n’roll and pop music has always been a trendsetter and surely it’s only time before the chameleon Lady Ga Ga herself undergoes some kind of hush hush hormonal treatment before appearing at next year’s MTV awards with a Rip Van Winkle style hanger. At the very best she could follow the lead of Cleopatra who is reported to have donned a series of exquisitely tailored false beards as part of her status as a God.

We have even heard reports that many rock bands are now expanding their entourages (roadie, guitar tuners, personal chefs etc.) to include a permanent beard groomer, whose sole duty is to shampoo, massage and encourage an even more prolific growth. Competition amongst the various groomers, or beard fluffers as they have been labelled, is rife. Insults have been known to fly backstage when bearded heavyweights like Grinderman come beard to beard with a bunch of punky young upstarts with little more than bum fluff hanging from their chins.

Like any fashion statement, be it pierced genitalia or a bolt through your nose, there is a bound to be a backlash, especially if the razor companies have their subversive way. Already a Justin Bieber style boy band, with the provocative title of Pogonophobia (aka fear of beards) have been heavily promoted throughout the US teen market, rumoured to have been underwritten by the world’s largest maker of shaving cream. The weird beard is definitely back, for the time being that is, but facial defoliation looms large as the fickle hand of popular culture slowly reaches for the Remington.