THE NAKED CITY: THE POKIES THAT ATE SYDNEY!

It’s 2025, artificial intelligence has spread like wildfire and even this column could be written by ChatGPT. The NSW Government has issued a cash card for pokies but they have transmitted a virus throughout the State’s thousands of money hungry machines. In the factories that churn them out they have morphed into raging robot like killers, multiplying at a rate that not even a futurologist could predict. Is it a reality or just another crummy imported Hollywood movie being shot in Sydney?

When pokies were first introduced into Australia during the 1950s, the machines themselves were pretty basic, all mechanical with virtually no lighting or seductive sound effects to attract their prey. When you connected a row of pineapples or playing card symbols they spewed out a lapful of jangling coins. Such was the early technology that with an appropriate piece of wire you could actually manipulate the bastards, although cheaters were often apprehended.

Fast forward to the 1980s and the digital revolution had arrived. The side lever, synonymous with the term ‘one armed bandit’ quickly disappeared, replaced by a selection of magic glowing buttons, reinforced with a dazzling video display and a symphony of ‘come and play me’ noises.

Long gone was the coin in the slot machine as the stakes were raised to accommodate all denominations of paper money.  Today the pokie manufacturers dig deep into the psychology of their potential players, employing all manner of playing options and  flashing lights to lure the suckers in.

With artificial intelligence ready to sweep the technological world, who knows what the poker machine of the future will entail? There is every chance they will develop personalities of their own with men for example immediately drawn to those machines that emit a feminine aura. As they take a seat and insert their cash card a discreet nozzle will release female pheromones accompanied by a hushed audio recording that assures “this is your lucky day, my darling”.

Each machine will be equipped with the computer power to read the mind of the individual player, encouraging them with subliminal video messages and subtle electronic pulses to keep pouring those dollars in. The machines themselves, stacked together row after row, will be programmed to compete amongst each other. Those that pull in the most money on any day will be rewarded with premium placement and a set of steak knives. (Please don’t ask what a poker machine would do with a set of steak knives!).

Which leads us back to the scenario of the machines, supercharged with the most advanced AI, transforming into marauding, homicidal robots. As they rampage through the licensed clubs and pubs of Sydney, unsuspecting pokie addicts are drawn to their electronic bells and whistles. “Look honey, there’s a cool new pokie that looks like a robot”.

As they attempt in vain to insert their cash cards the robots reap their revenge – for those years of abuse when punters lost their miserable money and blamed the machines for a run of hideous luck. Whether it’s a massive charge of electricity or a sudden decapitation, death is instant as they tear the city and suburbs apart in a tornado of relentless techno-fury.

The State Government is powerless in containing the onslaught and not even the intervention of the Feds can stop the pokie-bots spreading like cane toads across the entire country. The premier even phones Ryan Gosling to check that it’s not just another Hollywood action movie and offers to close the Harbour Bridge for an entire month if it speeds up shooting.

Movie or real life, in the final apocalyptic scene the pokie-bots gather outside the iconic East Sydney Hotel in Woolloomooloo, one of the few hotels in Sydney that has been pokie free for decades. Shamed by the sight of drinkers enjoying the live music and social interaction in a pokie free atmosphere, the robots collapse in an enormous heap of burnt out semiconductors and smoking LEDs. From behind the bar Ryan Gosling pours another beer, the band break into the Whitlams’ ‘Blow Up The Pokies’ and the credits roll.