THE NAKED CITY – NEW ON THE BOOB TUBE: 2023

It’s no secret that free to air TV stations are battling to compete with the ever increasing number of streaming services providing quality drama and documentaries. Rather than match the Netflix productions, they have chosen to pitch to the lowest common denominator with moronic dating and home renovation shows, not to mention singing and cooking contests ad nauseam.

If your set stays switched to the Seven, Nine and Ten networks, then expect more of the same in 2023. However in the interest of some slightly more imaginative and creative programming I would like to suggest the following concepts.

THE NARCISSIST: Dating shows always involve couples but The Narcissist breaks new ground with only one winner amongst a bevy of the beautiful people. The competition is cut throat as Tik Tok and Instagram stars fuss and fight to prove who has the greatest sense of self importance and a total lack of empathy in disposing of their opponents. The winner receives a three month holiday in Europe with themselves and a large, full length, antique mirror.

THE REAL AUSSIE LOBSTER MEN: Forget about a similarly named show in which blokey fishermen reel in pots out at sea during all kinds of weather. Here’s a show about creatures who are part lobster, part man. They could be a bizarre sub species of the Yowie or just some freaky sexual fetishists who like big claws – but look out, they are coming your way, – covered in melted cheese!

AUSTRALIAN IDLE: Any show that allows Kyle Sandilands back on the box is questionable but franchised shows like ‘Australian Idol’ are so contrived and orchestrated that only viewers under the age of six will fail to realise they are being horribly manipulated. ‘Idle’ rather than ‘Idol’ will focus on the great Aussie art of doing almost fuck-all, like lying on the couch and watching a cockroach crawl across the ceiling. In each episode contestants will be given a three minute spot to demonstrate the most minimalist activity, like removing the fluff from their belly button or reading The Daily Telegraph. No singing contracts here but a beautifully framed photograph of a sloth for the eventual winner.

AUSSIE TOAD WRANGLERS:  We’ve seen it all before. Macho dudes sparring with giant crocs in the NT and snake wranglers to the rescue when you discover a lethal brown snake in your backyard thunder box. Boring! The biggest ecological threat to Australia is the loathsome cane, toad and in this exciting new series a team of fearless ‘toad wranglers’ sets off to eliminate this feral nasty once and forever. Armed with flame throwers, machetes and shotguns, they show no mercy as the weekly body count soon reaches into the millions. It’s not all blood and guts and there’s room for humour as a hapless toad is attached to a sky rocket and blasted into the heavens on ‘Territory Day’ in Darwin.

COCKATOO LOVE ISLAND: Nothing ever seems to work on Cockatoo Island whether it’s a film festival or an Opera Australia spectacular. The island is said to be cursed so why not give brainless and gratuitous matchmaking a go there. The twist here is that once contestants are fully exposed to the godforsaken place they will be scrambling to get voted off. The unlucky winning couple are obliged to remain for another week or two with free glamping and appropriate chemical sedation.

FLOGMASTERS: The recent advent of product based shows like ‘Lego Masters’ and ‘Snackmasters” saw viewers subjected to hour long commercials thinly disguised as reality shows. Apparently the public lapped it up so why not circumvent the code of practice enforced by ACMA that limits the number of adverts that can be screened each hour. The nightly news hour could be reduced to five minutes of actual news and fifty five minutes of commercials, thinly disguised as ‘content’. What’s more informative – the latest news from Ukraine or this week’s specials at Coles and Woolies?