THE NAKED CITY: BIGGER, BIGGER, BETTER?

Every Australian state and capital city is out to welcome the big event whether it’s sporting, cultural or even religious, such as Sydney’s hosting of Catholic World Youth Day back in 2008. When flood prone Brisbane stages the 2032 Olympics it will mean that three Australian east coast cities have all forked out to accommodate the world’s biggest sporting event – somewhat incredible when you consider the population of this country.

Rivalry to attract  these big events is intense between the various cities, in particular Sydney and Melbourne, and politicians are seemingly prepared to offer numerous concessions to clinch the deal. There’s often an inflated claim that the event will inject tens of millions of dollars into the local economy and pollies certainly get to bask in the kudos of staging such extravaganzas.

NSW Premier Chris Minns recently announced that the State Government will stump up some $16 million to stage three ‘monster’ UFC competitions in Sydney. For those more gentle readers UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship is a USA based franchise based on mixed martial arts where a couple of meatheads, both men and women, bash each other to a bloody pulp. In an increasingly violent society with murders, assaults and family violence all on the uprise it’s just what we need to grace the harbour city.

In enthusiastically endorsing the event, Minns noted that the athleticism of the participants promoted a healthy lifestyle – like brain damage and early onset dementia? It’s always a great diversion from the things that really matter when a photo op is arranged to make one of these mega announcements. A wage rise for paramedics and other health workers goes straight to the back burner as the Premier poses with some well known UFC fighter. Homeless men will still be sleeping rough in Woolloomooloo and around the inner city this winter, but the stadiums will be full of blood thirsty fans later in the year.

Traditionally Australians have always been quick to lap up American culture, be it music, fast food, fashion or extreme sports – with all the hype and bullshit therein. So far we have yet to fully embrace the grotesque spectacle of competitive eating, but look out baby, it could soon be coming to Sydney.

There is admittedly a small food stuffing circuit in Australia but nothing like the US where multiple hot dog chomping often attracts audiences of thousands and huge sponsorship dollars. The champion chomper, Joey Chestnut, is almost a household name, famed for downing seventy six hot dogs and buns in ten minutes in 2021. Just how he empties his bowels afterwards remains somewhat of a mystery but surely he spends a fortune on Pepto Bismol.

Whilst many in the world would find this spectacle obscene, especially in those countries where famine and hunger are an everyday experience, are we about to see a state sponsored version of this American gastro-atrocity in Sydney? Sure there would be the spoil sports who would say it was only encouraging childhood obesity but think of the millions it would inject into the local economy, if only in wasted and regurgitated food alone. The sale of laxatives alone could bring in thousands.

Bring on Joey Chestnut and a photo op with Chris Minns in front of a huge plate of Aussie meat pies. Chris takes a tentative bite as the cameras click but Joey has already downed half a dozen in the same time. Let’s make it difficult for any US pro-gluttons. Hot dogs will definitely be off the menu and it’s all about sausage rolls, battered savs and pluto pups (you have to eat the stick as well!).

Food sponsors will be knocking each other down to have their products on the bill and Seven and Nine will bid furiously to secure the TV rights. Hopefully there will be well paid paramedics on hand to perform the Heimlich maneuver on Joey when he chokes down on his fiftieth cheese and vegemite sandwich.