
Perry or the Penguin? (The Naked City)

Australia was once labelled the ‘fifty first state of America’ – a reference to our reverence for all things USA, like pop singers, movie stars, fast food and automobiles. That cultural idolatry has generated what we now know as the ‘cultural cringe’, an inferiority complex that seems to never go away.
The recent appearance of Katy Perry at the AFL final in Melbourne is yet another classic example. The American singer was reportedly paid somewhere between $5 million and $6 million for her appearance, which worked out at roughly $1 million for each of the six songs she belted out. The grand final is nearly always a sell out and the entertainment purely a way of puffing up the event.
Why then blow such a huge amount on a US import when it’s an Australian institution and clearly there are lots of excellent local singers who could fit the bill, at a fraction of the price. That might sound slightly xenophobic or over nationalistic but surely the AFL admin could have found a better way to blow $6 million than on a hyped up US popstar.
Admittedly in the past they have opted for local talent such as Mark Seymour, Paul Kelly and Kate Miller-Heidke and Christine Anu did appear this year on the undercard to Perry. However, the cultural cringe appears eternally omnipresent and always there to rear its ugly head – even allowing for the disastrous appearance of Meat Loaf back in 2011.
Apparently suffering long term health issues, the ‘Loaf’, who was paid a half million dollars for his musical moaning and groaning, should never have taken the stage at the MCG. Years later AFL boss Gillon McLachlan blasted his appearance by stating:
“…he brought great shame and disgrace to the whole game of Australian Rules football…he brought shame to the MCG, the committee got rolled, he brought shame on America”.
The AFL obviously missed a golden opportunity this year when they overlooked a homegrown personality and massive international media celebrity who would have brought the house down at the grand final, for the cost of only a bucket of fish. ‘Pesto’ the oversized, 50 pound, super fluffy king penguin would have been a sensation – motoring around the MCG in the back of an open air limo with kiddies lining the perimeter to toss him tasty fishy treats. Even Katy Perry herself acknowledged his fame by visiting the Melbourne Aquarium for a photo op where she was completely overshadowed by the charismatic youngster.
Melbourne might have missed out but Sydney still has time with the NRL grand final this coming weekend. Here in the emerald city (Sydney not Seattle) the Rugby League bosses now launch their season in Las Vegas, home to around 1,500 homeless people living in the squalor of flood control tunnels and the site of America’s worst mass shooting in 2017 that resulted in 58 deaths and over 500 injured. It’s a fun place folks! Whilst Americans don’t give a hoot about Australian footy it’s the supposed glamour and prestige of Vegas that attracts the NRL – sheer and shameless cultural cringe!
For this year’s League final locally born The Kid Laroi has been booked as the star entertainment attraction and thank God he has already built a career in the US to prove his ‘bona fides’. Make it big over there and you are granted the same status as a Katy Perry or dare I say Meatloaf. You have to wonder if his success and popularity were entirely contained at home whether he would have been considered.
Personally I would still keep The Kid on the bill but elevate Pesto to the headline status, provided the Melbourne Aquarium would allow him a day pass for the event. If the many Laroi fans, mainly young teenage girls, kick up a stink at their idol’s demotion I would even settle for a duet appearance. Some creative AI over the PA enabling ‘Da Pesto’ to voice a series of rejoinders to The Kid’s groovy raps would provide a perfect unison. The Kid could even pimp up in a big fluffy coat of his own to complete a wonderfully harmonious match.
As an afterthought, I was also going to suggest the loveable penguin be renamed ‘Fluff Bubby’ for the day but given the current imprisonment of Sean Combs and possible accusations of a cultural cringe, let’s stick with Pesto!