THE NAKED CITY: CHEESE ROLLING AT THE OLYMPICS?

The Paris Olympics are in full swing and here in Australia the Nine Network is pulling out all stops to whip up a fury of nationalistic pride, gold medal fervour and jingoism run amok. It’s obviously a huge financial commitment on their part and they need to milk every possible angle. No doubt much of the focus will be on established sports like swimming where Australia traditionally does well, but what about break-dancing and kiteboarding, a couple of sports making their debut at the 2024 Games?

These are sports which are bound to attract a younger audience and clearly that is the aim of the International Olympic Committee in giving the Games a modern and progressive look. Some however would argue that they haven’t gone far enough and there are many so called ‘sports’ that should be included in future Olympics. The financial cost of the Brisbane Games in 2032 is under intense scrutiny with the remote possibility the city might do what Melbourne did in cancelling the Commonwealth Games, and paying a substantial penalty.

Enough of that pessimism and before we consider some potential new sporting inclusions it’s interesting to look at those activities which have been dumped from the Olympic roster, going right back to the ancient Greek games in 776BC. No more chariot races of course, and that’s a shame, but also struck off have been pistol duelling, tug of war, croquet, rope climbing, deer shooting and stone throwing. Karate, baseball and softball, which were all featured at the Tokyo Olympics in 2020, have also been axed.

Clearly the door is open to breathe new life into the Olympics by introducing a series of contemporary sporting challenges, guaranteed to capture the imagination of the TikTok, YouTube generations. These punters want their sporting thrills delivered almost instantaneously rather than sitting through a snooze generating two hours plus of an Olympic marathon or a 1500 metre freestyle slog at the pool.

Let’s kick off the new agenda with a taste of competitive eating, long a favourite of the Americans and their hot dog munching superstar Joey Chestnut. In the Olympic version there’s not a wiener to be seen as the heavy duty  gluttons chomp down on as many durians as they can stomach. The king of fruits, a delicacy in many parts of Asia, is not to everybody’s taste and even the slightest regurgitation will bring immediate disqualification.

Continuing with the edible theme, surely ‘cheese rolling’ which attracts enormous international attention with the annual ‘roll off’ at Gloucster in the UK, is deserving of Olympic recognition. It’s a sport full of thrills, spills and broken ankles as dozens of cheese loving hopefuls race down an absurdly steep hill to grab the prized big cheese. With GoPros attached to all the competitors and even the cheese itself, here’s a spectacle that makes skateboarding (a new Olympic sport this year) look as exciting as watching grass grow.

It’s hard to believe but for some thirty five years the arts were part of the Olympic program with literature, music, painting, architecture and sculpture debuting at the 1912 Games in Stockholm. Whilst I would not favour such a similar wide ranging inclusion I do think there is an opportunity there for Jackson Pollock style ‘action’ painting. Rather than winning medals for their finished art (do we really need another ‘Blue Poles’?), points would be given for vigour, choreography and sheer enthusiasm as contestants splash litres of colourful paint over enormous mesmerizing canvasses. As a statement of art embracing physical activity, and vice versa, the gold medallist would be encouraged to strip almost naked and perform a series of energetic swan dives into their ‘Jack The Dripper’ like masterpiece.

With only eight years to go before Brisbane throws billions at the 2032 Olympics we really need a uniquely Australian sport to add to some of the newly anointed events like yawn oh yawn, artistic swimming. We already have tuna throwing in South Australia, the Henley On Todd waterless regatta in Alice Springs and wood chopping at the Royal Easter Show – and does anybody remember the horribly nasty pub sport of dwarf tossing? No thank you – none of these would gain the blessing of the IOC.

Why not go right back to the very early days of the Olympic Games in Greece and bring back chariot racing? Wow – what a sight that would be as the two wheelers tear furiously across the Storey Bridge, pulled not by horses but haughty, spitting camels. We have an estimated one to two million of the long-necked critters running wild, the biggest feral population in the world, and we should be celebrating their role in building this country – not to mention providing a good camel burger in Lakemba. The break-dancers and skateboarders should go the way of the deer shooters and rope climbers as the Aussie cheese rolling team claim gold, gold gold – and a monster block of cheddar!