NAKED CITY: THE DARKER SIDE OF AUSTRALIA DAY
Long before the current Australia Day holiday reached any significance there was Empire Day, an annual celebration of our allegiance to the British monarchy and the opportunity to light enormous bonfires in the local park and let off a shitload of dangerous fireworks. Invariably some unfortunate kid had one or two fingers blown off with a “double bunger” (a firecracker akin to half a stick of dynamite) and more than one bonfire got out of control, much to the irritation of the local fireys who wanted a day off bludge like everybody else.
These days Australia Day is a well engineered piece of patriotic theatre pouring millions of dollars into the pockets of PR companies, event planners and hasbeen rock stars warbling Advance Australia Fair at concerts and half-baked commemorations throughout the country. Meanwhile the original inhabitants of this country rightly recall it as Invasion Day or Survival Day and pray that some tacky historical reenactment has not been planned for the shores of Botany Bay.
Okay, why get so worked up when really it’s just another public holiday and if you don’t want to drape the flag at the Big Day Out or ride a double decker bus through the Sydney CBD, you can always avoid the hoopla altogether – try the Picasso exhibition at the Art Gallery of NSW or a day at home watching Psychic TV.
However if we must persist with this flag flapping bacchanalia why not celebrate warts and all and take the opportunity to educate both the younger generation and those we have recently initiated as new citizens with some of the darker history of this country. Instead of miniature Aussie flags to wave, kids could be given kangaroo paw bottle openers – gruesome perhaps but a timely reminder of the scandalous treatment of our native fauna and our former affection for the grotesque.
The various Survival Day concerts from around the country could be moved to Canberra to given them a true national focus and politicians from both parties could join in a mass display of calisthenics with numerous backflips and flip flops evoking our policies on everything from refugees to poker machine reform. The great ferry boat race down Sydney Harbour could be cancelled and the MV Tampa invited from Norway to sail through the heads with John Howard encouraged to throw inflatable dummies from its decks as it passed by Lady Macquarie’s Chair. The Shooters Party could be given carte blanche in the Botanic gardens (one way of getting rid of the bats!) and Pauline Hanson could host a One Nation Reunion and Foam Party at the Hordern.
Clover Moore could stage a free snag and cockatoo sizzle on the steps of the Sydney Town Hall to correspond with the implosion of the nearby Woolie’s building and magicians could be hired to make the homeless disappear for the day. Finally anybody not speaking English could be issued with an on the spot $25 fine and made to sit for a citizen re-entry exam a la the old White Australia policy in a language of their choice – take your pick, Swahili, Central Tibetan or Bemba!
If weird Australiana is your bag then get along to this week’s Texas Chainsaw Trivia on Wednesday 25th at the Darlo Bar in the Royal Sovereign Hotel. Darlinghurst where from 7.30pm, Jay “Jolly Jumpbuck” Katz, Miss “A Dingo Took My Baby” Death and Coffin “Up Blood From Maralinga” Ed will celebrate the “other” side of Australia Day with lots of very tacky prizes and questions to boggle the mind of even the most fervent patriot.
