Can I get a job as a speech-writer?
Richard Glover on ABC 702 radio is running a ‘Lingo Bingo’ competition. Listeners contributed a list of political cliches and are alerting the show whenever a politician utters one during the election campaign. They have to be on the record so the station can verify them and play them back. But the scoring got off to a slow start, so I here offer a speech containing them all (plus a few more) in case some aspiring candidate wants to use it and perhaps get a free kick on-air.
“Good evening, working families. Tonight I alert you to the biggest spending, highest taxing government ever to slug ordinary Australians. At the end of the day this is un-Australian and the greatest moral challenge of our time, a total mismanagement of jobs, health, education and climate change targets.
“The reality is that the Australian people will reject a government whose factional warlords are addicted to reckless, irresponsible spending and constant backflips. Their dodgy figures, moving forward, amount to little more than a great big new tax on everything to fill the billion-dollar black hole in their budget.
“I make no apologies for being a fiscal conservative, because hard-working Australians know there is no silver bullet when it comes to securing our borders. We do not want to be swamped by people-smugglers queue-jumping our offshore solutions.
“Having said that, let me say this: our muck-raking opponents are using fear tactics to mount a dog-whistling scare campaign. But may I just say our policies are fully funded and fully costed by Treasury.
“In the fullness of time we all know there is more work to be done. We are committed to that, because the bottom line is our belief in choice at any cost.
“Our incompetent opponents let the cat out of the bag when they demonstrated their latest announcements are just more policy on the run. A whole range of thought bubbles are not enough to secure the future of this great nation in terms of our objectives at this point in time. Our opponents are in complete disarray and not fit to govern.
“As I said previously, there is only one leader who is committed to the economic management that will keep interest rates low so that mums and dads have the options, jobs, hospitals and education to afford fast food and interest-free whitegoods. I put it to you, fellow Australians, that leader is me. My party is the only one you can trust moving forward to face the challenges of the future, so I urge you to vote well and vote often.
“Goodnight and thank you for your enthusiastic consensus. Now bring me your babies to kiss.”
by Michael Gormly
