The Practical Guide To Urban Health & Safety (Naked City)

Staying accident-free and in good health over the summer period is something about which we should all be concerned.

Whether it’s behind the wheel of a car or simply walking down the street, it’s that time of year to take that little extra care. As such, I have assembled not only a practical guide but a few suggestions that might make the urban jungle a much safer place to traverse.

KNOW YOUR DEFIB MACHINE

I recently noticed that a public defibrillator had been installed outside my local neighbourhood bar. It’s part of a growing program to have these life-saving machines readily available in shopping malls, sporting arenas and just about anywhere the public might frequent in numbers.

If you do come across somebody sprawled out on the pavement like Barnaby Joyce, looking like their heart has just stopped, the machines are easy to use. You will be guided by a recorded voice and with a couple of zaps you could be bringing somebody back to life – depending on your political persuasion.

E-BIKE ALERT

If you live in an area prone to bushfires, there’s a handy app called ‘Hazards Near Me’ to warn you of any impending danger. I would like to see a similar app, ‘E-Bikes Too Bloody Close To Me’ — there to alert you to any grubby kid or even a deranged pensioner hurtling down the street at 40km per hour.

All e-bikes would fitted with tracker devices and the minute one loomed within 50 metres of your good self, you would get the pre-recorded warning: “Look The Fuck Out’!

THE TONGUELYSER

We are all familiar with wall-mounted breathalyser machines in pubs and clubs, which do an okay job in testing drivers’ blood alcohol content. It’s a relatively new innovation, but I am told that ‘The Tonguelyser’ might also soon be a familiar sight in clubs and at music festivals. With a simple scrape of your tongue it will tell you whether that joint you smoked three days ago is still evident in your bloodstream.

Aimed essentially at a younger demographic, it features an interactive chatbot who responds with phrases like “Whoa baby, you are so stoned dude” to “All clear to get on your e-bike and rage”.

THE COCKY SHOCKER

Nothing is worse than spending a few contemplative hours in Hyde Park or the Botanic Gardens when some nosey, food grabbing, sulphur-crested cockatoo lands on your shoulders.

The very clever ‘Cocky Shocker’ features two electrically charged shoulder pads which will give any annoying cockatoo a safe but nevertheless “get the hell out of here” jolt. It also doubles as a mobile phone charger and a handy deterrent for anybody trying to strangle you from behind.

BARNABY MITTS

Too much grog at the pub and you could well find yourself prostrate on the pavement like One Nation’s Barnaby Joyce did back in Canberra back in 2024.

Even in an inebriated state, many drunks try to break their fall with outstretched arms and hands ready to absorb the often painful impact. The patented ‘Barnaby Mitts’ are made of pure Teflon with inbuilt springs, and are guaranteed to not only ease your fall, but protect your recently manicured nails.

Available in iridescent green and orange, they are a fashion statement in their own right.

THE RICK ASTLEY AUDIO FLY (AND MOZZIE) ZAPPER

Flies are filthy critters and as you know there seems to be a plague of the buggers this summer in Sydney. All manner of things have been tried to ward them off, like cork string hats, endless fly sprays and even lavender leaves. Now, scientists have discovered that sound waves of a certain frequency can send these loathsome pests crazy.

Purely by chance, they found that playing the greatest hits of Rick Astley cleared the room of flies and just about every other bug and insect, mozzies included. If you are a hipster or a real cool cat you are going to look like a dork, walking down the street blasting Never Going To Give You Up, but at least you will be fly-free.

Remarkably if you find yourself surrounded by a flock of pigeons at the local railway station, a blast of Rick will also send them scurrying.

And finally:

Given our close relationship with the United States, perhaps it’s appropriate we look at some of the health tips put forward by Robert F. Kennedy Jr, the Health and Human Services Secretary in the Trump admiration.

Forget that he had a heroin addiction that lasted some fourteen years, and once claimed a parasitic worm was eating away at his brain — he’s advocated plenty of innovative approaches to public health.

According to RFK Jr, you are better off drinking non-pasteurised milk, handy if you have your own backyard cow, but not so great if you want a dose of rather nasty bacteria. He’s definitely down on processed food and currently lives in his own words on “mainly meat and anything fermented”. Vitamins aren’t cheap but he puts his current good health down to swallowing heaps of them, along with his testosterone replacement therapy.

Nothing is more tastier than a handful of cod liver pills in a breakfast smoothie, and you’ll need to do it daily if you don’t want to catch the measles. There’s lots of more radical stuff from RFK Jr, but please consult your medically qualified GP before swallowing anything he recommends.

For RFK Jr, it’s all about longevity — not so long ago, he stated that some 250,000 Americans had reached the age of 124. If you don’t believe me:

If living to that age means downing a truck full of cod liver pills, count me in. I’m just wondering if I will be able to renew my Opal Card on reaching that milestone.