Gone to Gowings and other legendary wisecracks (The Naked City)

When Hollywood actress Ava Gardner arrived in Melbourne in 1959 to star in a movie adaptation of Neville Shute’s apocalyptic saga ‘On The Beach’ she supposedly uttered the highly publicised words:

“On the Beach is a story about the end of the world, and Melbourne sure is the right place to film it.”

For years afterwards Melbournians felt stung by the celebrity scorn whilst rival Sydneysiders delighted in throwing it directly in the face of their southern cousins. It’s now questionable whether Ava was ever so caustic and many claim the remark was simply dreamt up by journalist Neil Jillet.

Despite the dubious authenticity it’s become one of those famous utterances inscribed in antipodean folklore, like Ned Kelly’s legendary last words “such is life!”. Surprisingly when it comes to what you think would be an abundance of quotable quotes, unforgettable wisecracks and uniquely Australian rejoinders, we are a bit thin on the ground.

If there was a five star rating for such then Bob Hawke’s “any boss who sacks anyone for not turning up today is a bum!’”, after Australia won the 1983 America’s Cup, would only deserve a two. Then again there are a select number of brilliantly original five star zingers that need to be enshrined in our history forever.

When Harold Holt disappeared whilst swimming off Cheviot Beach in 1967, there was an immediate outpouring of both public and media grief. It didn’t take long however for a degree of dark humour to set in with a popular joke suggesting he was intercepted by a Chinese submarine. When Melbourne’s Malvern Council opened the ‘Harold Holt Memorial Swimming Centre’ in 1969 there was even more widespread smirking throughout the country.

However it was venerable footy coach Jack Gibson who delivered a five star quip   when he suggested Cronulla’s decades of trying to win the Rugby League premiership was “like leaving the porch light on for Harold Holt”. It later became a commonly used description of futility in general. When the long suffering Sharks finally won their first premiership in 2016, their captain Paul Gallen blurted  “turn your porch lights off because we are coming home with the trophy.”

We are currently witnessing a nasty gangland war to control the illegal tobacco trade but back in the late 60s it was ownership of Sydney brothels that got the bad guys feuding. When notorious bordello boss Joe Borg was blown up after he switched on the ignition of his utility truck, he left behind a sizeable estate of ill gotten gains. There was much tut tutting and media outrage when it was announced he had bequeathed the RSPCA an amount of $65,000 – a very healthy amount of moolah in those days. Rather than decline the generosity of a well known gangster the RSPCA responded with words to the effect “the dogs don’t know where the money comes from”. A five star rejoinder!

Darcy Dugan was one of Australia’s best know escape artists during the 50s and 60s but he was also a notorious bank robber who spent thirty five years of his life in jail. It was his numerous escapes from custody that enhanced his notoriety. After one particular abscondment from a lock up at the Court Of  Petty Sessions, where he sawed through bars, he allegedly scrawled ‘Gone To Gowings’ on the cell wall.

Gowings at that time was a popular chain of men’s stores, with its Sydney flagship in George Street finally closing in 2006. Early advertisements often featured somebody gone missing, like the groom from a wedding off to get a new set of daks at their nearest outlet. Hence the expression ‘Gone To Gowings’ slipped somewhat surreptitiously into the common vernacular – soon used to described not only those who had suddenly disappeared but anything beyond its used by date. It’s unlikely NSW police stalked out the underwear department at Gowings waiting for Darcy to appear but his cell block graffiti definitely rates five stars.

There’s no doubt that the internet through all varieties of social media and feedback comments has created a huge public forum where wisecracks and humorous debate abound. Yet it’s all very disposable and seldom do we get that one classic rejoinder that needs to be immortalised forever.

Finally it’s also worth noting that the standard of parliamentary debate in this country has slipped considerably in recent years. Outright abuse amongst the various factions has replaced what was once clever and entertaining debate. Perhaps the last words here belong to Paul Keating who often saved his most acerbic comments for the leaders of the Liberal Party opposition.

John Hewson was once labelled “simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up” and John Howard copped the memorable:

“He’s wound up like a thousand-day clock! One more half turn and there’ll be springs and sprockets all over the building. Mr Speaker, give him a valium.”