Nostradamus City: Predictions for 2025 (The Naked City)

‘Nostradamus City: Predictions for 2025′  is the latest column (December 31, 2024) from Coffin Ed‘s The Naked City column – featured exclusively on City Hub.

A few years ago this column made some rather wild predictions for the approaching new year. The inspiration came from the great American psychic Jeron Criswell King, known by his stage-name ‘The Amazing Criswell’. During the 50s, 60s and 70s he pumped out thousands of prophecies in a series of books and newspaper articles. He also recorded a LP record, ‘Your Incredible Future’, featuring 84 minutes of his predictions in his own voice.

Unlike Nostradamus and other notable forecasters, Criswell avoided quasi-religious generalisations and got right down to the nitty gritty – like suggesting Mae West would one day become President and Pittsburgh to suffer an outbreak of blood curdling cannibalism.

Whether he was ever taken seriously by the majority of Americans, renowned for their gullibility, is open to conjecture. One thing he never predicted was that a vile, fat arsed, misogynistic, multiple sex offender, psychopathic, lunatic would one day take over the White House.

For the record I confidently predicted the demise of the Morrison Government with Labor sweeping the polls and Anthony Albanese conducting a brilliant campaign, guesting at numerous music festivals as DJ Albo and winning a host of young voters. Admittedly I was way of course when I suggested Alan Jones would be cryogenically frozen with plans for a radio comeback in 2075 – let’s say that’s just been temporarily postponed.

Equally askew was my prediction that Elon Musk would join forces with Jeff Bezos to open a Hooters restaurant on the moon in anticipation of accelerated space tourism. There is still time of course!

I really stuck my neck out when I forecast the MCA in Sydney would be forced to foreshorten a retrospective exhibition of Phil Spector’s wigs after protestors label it as ‘baldist’ and a brand new musical ‘Blue Poles’ would leave enthusiastic audiences splattered with multi coloured paint as it toured throughout Australia.

Not to be deterred by such previous clangers I am confidently suggesting that at least a good number of the following predictions will eventuate in 2025. Hang on for what is going to be a very stormy ride!

Coffin Ed’s Predictions for 2025

MAKING CANAL GREAT AGAIN

Donald Trump has already spruiked about taking back the Panama Canal and in 2025 he decides to appoint old buddy Hulk Hogan to achieve that goal.

Hogan heads a group of Green Berets made up almost entirely of pardoned January 6 insurrectionists.

The ‘canal’ is seized but Trump soon learns the not so bright Hulk has screwed up and taken over the Suez instead.

BRING BACK THE PLAGUE

Robert Kennedy Jnr abolishes all vaccines in the US and evokes a certain medieval nostalgia with the return of polio, tuberculosis and leprosy.

BYE BYE TASMANIA

Peter Dutton is elected PM in May and immediately decides to sell off Tasmania to a cashed up buyer (who else but Elon Musk!), raising billions for his nuclear power plants.

When the Tasmanians react with a massive protest he comments “stop the whinging, you all soon be driving Teslas”.

HELLO COCKY

Cockatoo Island, originally named for the hundreds of cockies that lived there in its once prolific red gums, is declared a bird sanctuary with all humans banned.

Thousands of birds of all species descend on the island to live and breed with the State Government harvesting the guano (aka bird shit) to pay for the reforestation, food supply and nesting boxes.

WAXWORKS ROYALS

With the cost of the 2024 Royal tour from Charles and Camilla approaching $1 million, the Government will cut the budget considerably by substituting wax effigies from Madame Tussauds for any future junkets.

Kept at a distance on the back of a truck the public will never know the difference with the cost of gourmet catering completely eliminated.

LICENSING DJ’S

With the proliferation of DJ’s in Sydney, the State Government will soon introduce a revenue raising licence system.

DJ’s will also be drug and alcohol tested and face considerable fines for sets that include extended ABBA medleys, any Milli Vanilli song or a reggae cover of Kylie Minogue’s ‘Padam Padam’.

RETURN OF THE PYLON CATS

Finally a really good news prediction that the famous white cats that lived atop one of the pylons on the Sydney Harbour Bridge during the 50s and 60s will be back in 2025.

Sponsored by a pet food company they will delight tourists with their nimble footed excursions around the pylon ledges. Should one accidentally slip and fall they will be equipped with the latest in feline friendly parachutes.

Yes, like many people I would love to predict the end of all wars in 2025 along with the demise or Trump and Musk and a better life for all those Australians battling financially. Unfortunately there’s a big difference between a spurious prediction and a heartfelt wish. Let’s stick with the latter!