Much ado about nothing

Call me an anti-fun-loving grouch – I’ve faced worse – but surely I cannot be the only one struggling to rouse an iota of enthusiasm for the entire notion of ‘Breakfast on the Bridge’.

Let’s leave to one side my long-standing belief that anyone who gets up before 6am on a Sunday needs to reconsider their priorities. In an era where billion is the new million, even the event’s $1 million pricetag can be written off as a mere rounding error. But for such a high-profile event, it’s worth asking exactly what was achieved.

A tenfold return in promotional benefits overseas? Perhaps. Perhaps, if you ignore the government’s record of inventing budgetary figures between press conferences (see Metro), or the fact that quantifying such figures is notoriously difficult. Perhaps.

Personally though, I’m more concerned with the effects on Sydney itself, and consideration of those whose weekend schedules unfortunately aren’t empty enough to countenance a relaxing picnic.

Those naturally predisposed towards scorn might even suggest the spirit of another Bridge event – the toll hike – was present on Sunday. Ever since the state government declared war on anyone north of Milsons Point, there has been a level of scepticism concerning government motives from our friends in the leafy north. Against this backdrop, it was presumably entirely coincidental the Bridge Breakfast went down well with nuclear families, women of a certain age and swinging greenies, with the main scowls of disapproval coming from commuters who had cause to drive over the Bridge on a Sunday. Commuters who, using the government’s own logic, would more likely be Liberal voters than not.

It’s worth mentioning it is only recently the Bridge has become a favoured plaything for events organisers. Even a few years ago, an event such as this would have been unthinkable. Arguably, there are good reasons for that.

While not quite as unutterably naff as the heavily promotional stunt a few years ago which involved Mark Webber driving his F1 car a few times up and down in a straight line for no discernible reason, the weekend’s event inflicted a much heavier toll on the city’s long-suffering commuters. Sunday’s events proved once again the city simply cannot shut down one of its main transport links for 12 hours, despite what the government thinks.

Naturally, the Premier thought differently, announcing Breakfast on the Bridge would in all probability return next year. As for us cynical hacks, he had some news. “There’s been plenty of advance notice, there are alternate routes, they’re well-signposted, and I challenge anyone who’s of that type to come up here and enjoy it,” he announced.

Pity about the whole balloted ticketing system, then.

In any case, the Premier’s utterances about signposting were patent rubbish. I can say as much authoritatively, since in my attempts to get home, I involuntarily conducted an in-depth investigation of the city’s signposting arrangements which rivalled Captain Cook’s most ambitious circumnavigational efforts.

Now, in all fairness, certain aspects of the signposting – such as highlighting where you were NOT allowed to go – were executed superbly. Clearly, no expense had been spared – witches’ hats, flashing lights, cop cars, the whole shooting match.

Those resources, however, have been more usefully deployed highlighting detour routes onto the Tunnel. The reality is, driving in the city is an unpleasant aggravation at the best of times; I have lived in Sydney my entire life and still cannot say with any confidence how to navigate the maze of one-way lanes, bus lanes, no entrances and no right-hand turns. It becomes more unpleasant still when one is forced to do so on account of a frivolous activity, which was in any case limited to just 6,000 participants.

Not that I even copped the worst of it. My City News colleague Ehssan Veiszadeh rang me unprompted a couple of hours later, at 11am, to underscore the fact the Tunnel was in “gridlock”.

The bottom line is this. If, as one breakfaster surmised, Sydney really is envious of Melbourne’s panache and flair for hosting Big Events, perhaps it should consider ways to address it which don’t involve closing the main arterial route of the city for half a day.