How to ride on footpaths

Faced with the choice of riding illegally on the footpath or tangling with herds of lurching juggernauts on the road, I often choose life. Riding on the footpath is not a problem as long as you observe some rules.

First principle is to always give way to peds, as motorboats give way to yachts. Be prepared to ride – or better scoot – at walking pace. Understand that peds always walk in the middle of available space so that two will always block any footpath. Be patient. If you dawdle along behind for a bit, most people will spot you in their peripheral vision and let you through. Always thank them so they don’t write letters to The Telegraph fomenting hatred against bike riders.

Peds also act with utter irrationality. Expect them to turn on a pin and suddenly walk at 90 degrees. Expect them to suddenly stop for no reason. Don’t expect them to be looking out for bikes, just like you don’t when on foot.

Anglo-Saxons have a sense of entitlement to at least an acre of personal space, so many feel threatened when they see a bike approaching. They assume they are invisible to you and that you are an aggressive, uncaring monster, and take absurd action to avoid a collision that wasn’t going to happen, usually walking straight into your path. To counter this, exaggerate your intended route, turning the wheel and executing a faux lean in the direction you intend to travel long before necessary. It works.

Asians don’t have the same sense of entitlement to space and maybe they are more used to bikes. They are generally very cool.

Never speed behind someone and overtake them closely. They get a fright and hate you. Never ride along the building line. Someone on a mobile will ALWAYS exit a doorway directly into your path.

When someone abuses you, smile at them and say, “have a nice day” in an American accent. If they keep it up, you should be gone by then.

by Michael Gormly