Beware The Claws Of Vegas! (Naked City)

They are ubiquitous in shopping centres and adjacent to supermarkets throughout the country. Crane or claw machines offer a chance to win a cheapo prize for a minimum investment of $3.00 per play. That gives you a single opportunity to test your skill in hooking one of the goodies on offer and dropping it down a beckoning chute. Chances are you will fail at the first attempt and maybe end up spending a sizeable amount in successive attempts to snare a reward that is probably worth less than $10.00.

There are various accusations that these novelty machines are rigged, with operators programming them to only facilitate the full gripping strength of the claw after a certain amount of money is played. Their modus operandi is not unlike that of poker machines with a seductive design that appeals to the gambling instinct lurking within many of us.

Not surprisingly their prize booty is there to lure in youngsters, often with their parents reluctantly feeding in an increasing amount of coins and notes. The psychological appeal of the prizes is also seasonal with fluffy bunny rabbits at Easter or a mini Santa Claus at Christmas. All harmless fun you might say.

However, a few days ago I was somewhat alarmed to see one of these omnipresent machines with an NRL logo and the branding ‘Vegas Baby’. The prizes were footballs in the colours of the various Australian Rugby League teams, with their younger fans an obvious target. Promoting the actual game is one thing, but pushing the much vaunted season launch in the soul crushing, boozy, sin city that is Las Vegas is another.

Rather than glorifying this mafia built shithole, Australian kids should be better educated to everything that is rotten about a city that even Americans are deserting as a tourist destination.  A homeless population approaching 8,000, numerous no-go areas for tourists, rampant prostitution disguised as ‘escorts’ and drink prices that can hit $30 to $40, it’s little wonder Reddit recently declared Vegas in “a death spiral”.

Yet despite the glitter gulch’s diminishing reputation, both the NRL and its TV partner Channel 9 continue to promote an almost nostalgic vision of the city more in tune with the golden days of the 50s and 60s  –  the era of Frank Sinatra, Elvis and the Sands Hotel. Playing a few games of League there is promoted as highly prestigious, showcasing our great game to the Americans and the world at large. And of course Vegas still has that wonderful ‘naughty but nice’ appeal. There are some adults that might still swallow this bullshit but why indoctrinate the younger generation with what is essentially a big pack of lies?

Prior to last year’s opening games, NRL boss Peter V’Landys reached out to Donald Trump with an invitation to attend. Given the tumultuous year that has followed in US politics, the invite could well be extended to a complete celebrity box including Trump and Melania, Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, the Village People, Kid Rock and that valiant crew of ICE officers who have been terrorising Minneapolis in recent weeks. Who knows, there are new rumours that Jeffrey Epstein is still alive and a surprise appearance at the NRL opening could send TV ratings skyrocketing. And of course – with a rash of early season sporting injuries who better than medical guru RFK Jr, on hand in the dressing rooms to advise on concussions and declare all players free of parasitic brain worms.

If the NRL were to forgo their obsession with the neon lit purgatory that is Vegas, they could well look to Sydney’s own slot machine nirvana. It’s now known as West HQ but in its heyday the fabulous Rooty Hill RSL was lauded as the ‘Vegas Of The West’, a title supposedly popularised by imported US TV host Don Lane. The moniker was only surrendered it seems, when the actual City Of Las Vegas issued a cease and desist.

Aussie football fans would not need to fork out thousands of dollars to travel to the US and stay in one of Vegas’s over priced hotels. They could do their hard earned in one of the 700 poker machines that the current West HQ houses and enjoy our own top class cabaret entertainment – like the Village People Tribute Show. And those with some minor misdemeanour or breach of the law, footy players included, would not run the risk of a knockback by over zealous Trumpian customs officials.

On a slightly different note – if the Allegiant Stadium in Vegas is keen to get raucous Australian punters out of their venue as quickly as possible, they could throw the ‘Melania’ doco up on the big LED screen. The ensuing scramble for the exits could well set a Guinness record for the fastest ever evacuation of a large scale sporting event.