THE NAKED CITY with Miss Death, Jay Katz and Coffin Ed
FAR FROM THE MADD CLUB CROWD
Somewhere hidden well away from the hoi polloi is a nightclub in Sydney that is so exclusive that aspiring members are required to skull an entire bottle of Absinthe in 10 minutes, sign over at least one of their vital organs as a surety, undergo a full airport style body scan, produce certified receipts for at least $50,000 worth of Botox treatment and have written off at least one Lamborghini in the past 12 months, before they are even short listed for membership. Sounds ridiculous? Well don’t chortle too loudly because the upper echelon of Sydney’s high society watering holes are heading towards just such surrealistic demands.
Recent articles in the Sunday rags have alluded to an ultra exclusive club at a George Street pleasure palace where male members are personally attended by a bevy of glamorous drink pouring babes, catering to their every wish and whim, stopping only at full on physical gratification. Whilst the complex in question denies its very existence, entry it seems is only available to either the very rich or the very famous and the rest of us can head to Porkys or Show Girls in the Cross if we are in search of such attentive female bar tendering.
Here at the Naked City we’ve always had a big problem with the very idea of exclusivity, in particular the process of screening patrons before they are afforded the privilege of buying ridiculously over-priced drinks and listening to a dud DJ. We’ve all heard how punters have been knocked back because of their ethnicity, their footwear, their receding hairline, their lack of cleavage (women and men!) and the size of the bulge of readily disposable cash and credit cards in their wallet – and that’s just for starters. Surely all it would take would be one or two well contested court cases under the anti-discrimination legislation to blow most of this judicious door selection out of the Perrier water
The door bitch was a nasty and Nazi-like phenonema of the ‘80s that has been refined into a less abrasive but far more insidious method of determining who gets into the latest glamour soaked hot spot. These days all manner of criteria are applied before the aspiring club goer eventually gains admission. We don’t have enough space to detail the process but grab an application form for ASIO and you’ll soon get the picture.
Yet whilst the ‘80s gave us the start of the nightclub Stasi, it still featured a series of club nights that were unashamedly egalitarian in their desire to encompass the broader community (ie. anybody wearing thongs or a stone washed mini skirt). Sydney’s somewhat notorious Madd Club at the Piccadily Hotel set a standard for insanity that would close most of today’s venues overnight. Raincoats soon became a regular fashion as the audience were regularly pelted with eggs and sprayed with super soakers, while dodging swinging 240volt industrial lights.
With the irrepressible Maynard at the helm, the Madd crew exploited man’s primeval fascination with fire, regularly igniting everything from the dance floor to each other. It was not uncommon to witness one of the DJ’s racing wildly through the crowd with a flaming beer carton on his head. Definitely not the sort of thing you would see today at the Ivy Pool Club and of course Madd was open to all and sundry.
At Max’s in the Petersham Inn a regular “Free Beer for Nudes Night” offered patrons the chance to disrobe at the bar (yes totally au natural!) and receive a free middie for their shameless display of unabashed nudity. It goes without saying that punters were never knocked back at the door for the way they were dressed. Try talking your way into the Piano Room stark naked on a Saturday night and see how far you get.
We would like to end with the old Groucho Marx chestnut about refusing to join any club that would have us as members but let’s just trot out a compromise and say – make sure our names are on the bloody door list!
THE HIT LIST:
Texas Chainsaw Trivia, Darlo Bar – Every Wednesday from January 27 at 7.30pm (free!): Sydney’s most offbeat and entertaining trivia quiz returns to the retro styled Darlo Bar at the Royal Sovereign Hotel in Darlinghurst with your regular hosts Jay Katz, Coffin Ed and Miss Death plus a stack of guest celebrities, “extreme trivia” and pick-a-box style prizes. www.mumeson.org
The MADD Club presents Shameless, Kinselas Middle Bar, Sat January 30, 9pm til late ($10 before 10.00pm/$15 after): Sydney’s notorious ‘80s Madd Club returns with a special 2010 brand of insanity with Maynard, Geoff The Shopkeeper and Mr Chad plus the “spin a tune” chocolate wheel, sunken reading pit, out of this world décor, free snuggie check in and fruity lexia on arrival. It’s a club like nothing else on earth. www.maynard.com.au
