THE NAKED CITY – with Miss Death, Jay Katz and Coffin Ed
THE MEAN AND EVER MEANER STREETS OF SYDNEY
Parking fines have always been a bone of contention and a shameless revenue raiser for various local councils. Some are loosely justified but others fall into the category of just plain mean, imposed with a complete lack of compassion and common sense. Witness this scenario, as we did a few weeks ago.
A delivery van is parked on the footpath of Roslyn Street in Kings Cross and the driver is desperately pleading his case with a Sydney City Council (SCC) parking officer. The driver is delivering linen to a hotel in the street and there is nowhere else to park. Thanks largely to the council’s own street landscaping and their failure to address traffic congestion, the closest legal park is probably 500 metres away – if at all!
The driver cops his fine and it’s fair to say it’s a sizeable chunk out his daily pay although a drop in the ocean when it comes to the near $30 million a year the SCC pulls in with parking fines. Sure he’s breaking council laws by parking on the footpath but what else is he to do if he’s to make a delivery on time and effectively keep his job.
It’s the sheer Dickensian meanness of the situation that grates with us. There could easily be a bit of give and take in a situation like this where the parking cop gets to assess the situation and show a bit of leniency – but hang on that’s not what council revenue-raising is all about. When it comes to shoring up those insatiable coffers it’s all about wielding the big stick and believe us, the meanness is about to get even meaner.
Secret documents have been leaked to the Naked City that suggest the Sydney City Council is about to introduce a whole range of fines and revenue ranging penalties designed to finance the grandeur of projects such as the monumental town square project. If you have recently been to the City Of Sydney library and wondered why the entire works of Kafka and George Orwell are no longer available, it’s because they are on permanent loan to the Council hierarchy. Here’s just a sample of what they are proposing:
The Personal Congestion Tax: Asthmatics look out! There will soon be a $100 licence required if you need to carry a puffer with you in the CBD. The way the Council justify it – if you need to stop in the street for a blast of Ventolin you are creating a pedestrian hazard, relieving your own congestion but creating a much greater congestion on the footpath.
Wildlife Protection Licence: There’s nothing more annoying than the little old lady feeding hundreds of pigeons in the park with a loaf of stale bread – especially when she thinks she can do it for free. Feeding Council controlled wildlife is a privilege, not a given, and anybody choosing to do so will need to apply for an annual $200 licence (per species).
English Only Zones: Ostensibly as a means of promoting racial harmony and better communication, sections of the city will be designated ‘‘English Only” zones and fines levied for anybody speaking not only in a foreign dialect but with an abundance of unnecessary jargon (B Boys beware!) Non-English speaking tourists will be an easy touch but when a sudden burst of revenue is needed, the language police will no doubt run riot in Chinatown.
Fines for Flatulence: Probably the most controversial suggestion of all is a plan to both tax and levy fines on the amount of “personal” methane emitted by the average citizen. Promoted as the Council’s own initiative to combat carbon emissions, it will see a special 100-strong flatulence squad, armed with state-of-the-art methane meters. Sound the trouser trumpet in a public place and chances are you will cop a minimum $50 penalty through to a staggering $200 if you’re unlucky enough to be nabbed just leaving an Indian restaurant. Due to their heavy schedule of public functions and official lunches, councillors will of course be exempt!
THE HIT LIST:
- Bridie King – End Of Year Shindig – Sun 22 November 3pm-7pm, The Basement: The remarkable Bridie King celebrates another great year with a huge line up of talent including, The Boogie Kings, The Harmony Queens and tap dancers Tracy, Ziggy and Trent. www.bridieking.com
- Hola Mexican Film Festival – November 18-29, Dendy Newtown & Opera Quays: A great programme of films but we particularly like the “Sexy Comedias” featuring Sex, Shame & Tears and Murder Seriously which explore the battle of the sexes and the exes! www.holamexicoff.com
- The Worst Movie Ever Made – Sunday 22nd November 7.30pm, Mu Meson Archives: It’s so bad they are not releasing its title until you have paid your money and the doors are locked! Personally nominated by Neil Hamburger for the recent International Festival of Cinema and Colon Irrigation (you will need it after you sit through this turkey!). Diabolical! www.mueson.org
