THE NAKED CITY – with Miss Death, Jay Katz and Coffin Ed

MORE BANG FOR THE BUCK

Earlier this year we suggested that the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva be broken down, once its purpose had been fulfilled, and turned into a touring stadium show – wowing audiences with a scaled down version of the Big Bang and life-sucking black holes.

Last week we were pleased to learn that the Collider had finally achieved its major aim and after many months of trying, scientists had finally recreated what they believe is a modern day, albeit miniscule version of the Big Bang – the creation of the Universe some 13 billion years ago. Remarkably the news of this breakthrough was given little prominence in the popular media which is not surprising given our appetite for celebrity and the trivial over what should be a brain boggling revelation.

Our own Daily Telegraph saw fit to devote about twenty words to news of the modern day Big Bang and bury the item deep in its tabloid pages. Most evening news services chose to ignore the breakthrough altogether in preference for something like Miranda Kerr’s baby bump or news of stranded Aussies on the ill-fated Carnival Splendour.

Then again the whole concept and theory of the Big Bang is not something you really want to confront TV viewers with, especially around dinner time, even though it has just been recreated on the world’s largest Meccano set. With the Vatican, creationists and other church groups publicly damming the Geneva experiment, it would be easy to upset and alienate viewers.  A story about an image of Christ appearing miraculously on the edge of the train platform at Waverton station would seem far more warm and fuzzy.

If there is a lesson to be learnt from the experiments conducted at the Collider it is certainly one of transmogrification, although scientists would no doubt be outraged at such a description. Let’s restrict it to the metaphorical when we suggest that the media, in particular modern day television needs its own Hadron Collider.

Load it up with the worst of reality TV, tabloid news reportage and those omnipresent infomercials and press the magic button. Faster that the speed of light the atomic matter that comprises each of these abominations is hurled and pelted against each other in a veritable fury of fusion. If you are expecting a cathode ray reversion to the Big Bang of Australian TV when Bruce Gyngell uttered those immortal words (“Good evening and welcome to televison”), then you will be sadly disappointed.

More than likely the Collider will cough up a hideous transmogrificated hybrid where singing celebrity chefs, armed with magic steam mops and $99 dildos (yes, there is currently an infomercial for these) engage in an orgy of home renovation,  medical procedures, foot in the door journalism and mindless chat show psychobabble.

Thirteen billion years ago when the original Bing Bang occurred, the future of the Universe looked promising. Now, we are not so sure!