THE NAKED CITY – with Miss Death, Jay Katz and Coffin Ed
SLUMLORD MILLIONAIRES
The Not So Happy Guide to Flat Hunting
Back in the ‘90s if you wanted to rent a house or an apartment you would grab a copy of Saturday’s SMH and peruse the endless pages and pages of properties to let. In many cases the agent would be happy to give you the key (in return for a $20 deposit) and you could check out the premises for yourself. If you decided to rent there was a minimum of paper work – and bingo, you were soon in your comfy new digs almost as quickly as the ink had dried on the lease.
These days, with a vacancy rate hovering around the 1 per cent mark, the rules of the game have changed completely and renters must now endure an agonising process of application and rejection as they search for that elusive pad to call home.
While the print media still carry some rental advertisements the majority of listings are now channelled through the internet on two major sites, usually accompanied by photographs designed to catch your interest. Here the wide angle lens has come into its own and an apartment that looks huge on your computer screen often turns out to be little more than the size of a broom cupboard.
Some agents do the right thing, quoting the actual floor size and including a full set of pics that give you a reasonable idea of what awaits you at the inspection. Others are less than informative. Beware of adverts that show only the kitchen or the bathroom (the rest of the apartment is probably crap) or even worse, a shot of the café half way down the street with the billing, “cosmopolitan atmosphere”. You’re living in the apartment, not the local coffee shop! When only the front of the building is shown you have to wonder what horror lurks behind that otherwise innocuous exterior.
Once the inspection is advertised you join a feverish scrum of desperate house hunters, the possibility of being outbid by somebody offering 10 or 20 dollars more a week and then if your application is accepted, a process of scrutiny that would put ASIO to shame. Having to produce tax returns, for example, as proof of your income is a gross invasion of your privacy. Imagine if the boot was on the other foot and agents were asked to provide similar documentation to prove tbeir legitimacy.
Believe it or not there was once a time when landlords and their agents would offer two weeks or even a month’s free rent to unload an apartment that had been sitting vacant for months. These days there’s almost a poignancy to the inducements that adorn some real estate advertising – like “free microwave or bar fridge”. Just think about that for a moment. At even $250 a week you are paying $13,000 a year in rent and the agent is throwing in a $79 Tiffany microwave. That kind of largesse brings a tear to the eye
Finally here’s a glossary of the most deceptive terms you are likely to encounter as you trawl though that ever-decreasing number of vacancies.
Entry Level: One step up from a hovel. Expect the apartment to resemble the set from a Harold Pinter play – if you get more than a single gas ring in the kitchen you are doing well!
Original Kitchen or Bathroom: Hasn’t been painted in 40 years – great if you are into antiques or have an affinity with the Dark Ages.
Executive Style: Don’t bother applying if you are a blue collar worker or drive a cab.
Quaint: Invariably translates as crummy, or at least the eccentric side of crummy.
Art Deco: Anything built prior to 1960 these days is labelled as Art Deco. Just don’t expect the Chrysler Building or the Empire State.
District Views: A stunning vista of grubby rooftops and nearby building sites.
Funky: Perhaps the most overused word in today’s English language and when applied to real estate its meaning is even more vacuous. Don’t expect James Brown and the JB’s when you finally open the door to your dream apartment.
THE HIT LIST:
- Texas Chainsaw Trivia – Every Wednesday 7.30pm, The Darlo Bar, Royal Sovereign Hotel, Darlinghurst: Join Jay Katz, Coffin Ed and Miss Death for Sydney’s most eccentric Trivia night in one of this city’s friendliest and most atmospheric bars.
- Maynard presents Keepin’ It Real, By Keepin’ It Wrong, Thursday 5 November 7.30pm, Mu-Meson Archives: Why spend your valuable time finding offensive clips on the internet when Maynard has already done it for you? Including crowd participation favourites such as “Maynard’s Mastermind” and “Money Shot Theatre”. This show is not suitable for children, although at times, it is very childish! www.mumeson.org
