THE NAKED CITY: THE GRUMPY AFTERMATH TO CHRISTMAS

In the almost post-COVID era, this year’s Christmas celebrations were just about back to normal – billion dollar splurges by consumers before and immediately after December 25, schmaltzy carol spectaculars on free to air TV and the usual indecent amount of food some people managed to hog down for both lunch and dinner. Nothing really to complain about unless something in particular stuck in your craw, like a mince pie too many. In my case it was the so called ‘Christmas Message’ broadcast on the ABC by the reigning British monarch.

For decades the ABC had seen it as their royal duty to run a pre-recorded message from the Queen in prime time on Christmas Day. In recent years you could well have been watching an automaton as the aging monarch rattled off a heavily scripted spiel from an auto-cue. It had become so familiar and predictable that it was really nothing to get upset about.

Roll on 2022 and it’s King Charles who interrupts the festivities at 7.30pm on Christmas night with around eight minutes of his usual pompous waffle. Many Australians, and many of them republicans, had just finished a substantial yuletide dinner and turned on the ABC to get the latest news. The mere sight of the adulterous, post colonial potentate, Charles, would no doubt have brought on instant bouts of dyspepsia and in some extreme cases, regurgitation!

Having nearly choked on a soggy slice of pavlova myself, I decided to vent my anger with this open letter to the head of the ABC, Ita Buttrose.

Dear Ita – Firstly season’s greetings and all the best for 2023. I am however writing to register my disappointment at the ABC screening King Charles’s Christmas message – the continuance of a vile anachronism at a most inappropriate time. I find it incredible that our own democratically elected Prime Minister (bless his heart) got a modest 90 seconds to send his televised Xmas greeting, a mere fifth of the time afforded the buffoonish adulterer Charles.

I am a long time viewer of the ABC who has fond memories of James Dibble reading the nightly news, Bill Peach hosting ‘This Day Tonight’ and Lubricated Goat as the first Australian band to play entirely nude on Andrew Denton’s ‘Blah, Blah, Blah’.

The ABC has always reflected cultural and political change in the community and alerted us to major issues like global warming and climate change. Yet for some reason it seems reluctant to let go of the coat tails of the monarchy, much to the disappointment of many of its forward thinking viewers. Admittedly you don’t exhibit the same kind of tabloid, soap opera coverage of the loathsome royals that other areas of the media do, but in many ways you are just as guilty.

How about a series of investigative programs that examine the current wealth of the British Royal Family, dating back to the days of slavery and gross colonial exploitation. It’s one thing Charles apologizing to Barbadians for the sins of the slave trade, where’s the financial restitution? The Australian Government still forks out millions of dollars when members of the Royal Family decide to tour here, covering all their expenses. Given their massive wealth and corporation status it’s an obscenity when so many Australians are doing it tough.

There is however a solution to the immediate problem which you may well consider for 2023. Yes, keep the wretched Christmas message from the Palace but program it around 3.00am during ‘Rage’, sandwiched between Motorhead’s ‘Eat The Rich’ and the Sex Pistols ‘Anarchy In The UK’. Most of the ABC viewers at this time are either potheads or strung out on meth and are unlikely to complain. They would probably view Charles as some kind of brain damaged white rapper and take the opportunity to light up a bong.

Diehard monarchists on the other hand will see it as an act of servility, boosted by a piping hot mug of Bonox. The ABC could even issue a downloadable certificate of fortitude to those royal acolytes prepared to burn the midnight oil and endure hours of Rage beforehand.

Times have changed. In the late 1950s the ABC may well have screened an Enid Blyton inspired cartoon featuring golliwogs with minimal reaction. Today that would be abhorrent as is the lingering obsession with the British Royal Family. Let’s send Charlie to Coventry and get on with the process of growing up and finally becoming an independent republic.

Let me also say, who doesn’t love the ABC (apart from Sky News)? I certainly do and please, keep up the great work you are doing.

Yours Sincerely – Coffin Ed