THE NAKED CITY: RULES OF ENRAGEMENT

Whilst it can’t be verified, I have heard various reports that some well to do homes on Sydney’s North Shore have posted signs outside their residences warning Halloween trick or treaters against entering their properties and banging on their front doors. Some have even indicated that the police might be called if such an intrusion takes place. Whilst this is an uncompromising message to “keep out”, elsewhere in the city there are now more insidious rules of entry.

I’m talking specifically about entertainment venues, like pubs and nightclubs where it seems the terms of entry are expanding day by day. Witness the recent South By South West festival in Sydney which featured an extraordinary poster titled “TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF ENTRY” outside many of its live venues. Apart from the usual age restrictions and a copyright clause on any photos you might take, there was a list of prohibited items that bordered on the absurd.

For example, if you were one of the eager punters who went to see Chance The Rapper at a Sydney pub show during SXSW, the poster listed just some of the following as prohibited in the venue: “flares, fireworks or sparklers”, “skateboards, roller blades, skates, scooters, bicycles and hover-boards”, “drones or other remote flying devices”, “furniture or umbrella chairs”, “toy guns or water pistols” and “dogs or other pets (excepting guide dogs or other service animals)”, to name just a few.

Spare a thought for the young couple that turned up with an esky, a picnic basket, a disposable barbeque and a compressed gas container (all on the banned list) hoping to stage an impromptu Aussie sausage sizzle for the American hip hop titan. In fairness and in keeping with the corporate nature of SXSW, it’s possible the document was drafted by a legal firm out to cover all contingencies, regardless of the fact that few of the attending punters would take time to read it.

Clubs and pubs throughout the world have always maintained a set of rules, both for keeping within the law and maintaining a peaceful environment. The Jungle Nightclub in Jamaica for example makes a point of outlawing “prostitutes, gigolos , pimps, touts and hoodlums” especially if they are decked out in a bandana or skull cap. If you are partying at the Sooraa Indian Premium Club in Malaysia there’s definitely no “shouting, waving your hands in the air or dancing with a cigarette on the dance floor”.

Here in Sydney, entry to some of our more exclusive clubs has often been at the discretion of a so called “door bitch”. No problem if you were loaded with drugs, as long as you were suitably attired and looked the beautiful part. These days in the post Covid world, the door check is less judgemental, more pragmatic and may even include a metal detector. However the legal boffins at SXSW have now set a precedent when it comes to stating comprehensively, the ”terms and conditions of entry”.

Let’s not just focus on the latest Drill music gig or relatively innocent pub show. Here are just a few suggestions for additional banned items that some of our more high profile and esoteric venues might adopt in securing a safe environment for their patrons as well as covering their legal arse.

For the Sydney Opera House/Classical Concerts/Australian Opera etc: Prince Albert rings, pet guinea pigs (caged or uncaged), ceremonial swords, loosely secured toupees or hair pieces, charcuterie boards, massage pillows, assorted gang colours (hey, you never know) and noisy defibrillators.

For Jazz Venues: Bebop berets (so outdated), opium pipes, steel tipped shoes (noisy when people are tapping their feet), portable vinyl record players, duffle coats, cheap wine casks, oil lamps and sandals.

For Anything Experimental or Avant Garde: Ugg boots (just not cool), Milli Vanilli t-shirts, assorted reptiles, feather dusters (as opposed to knuckle dusters), shrunken heads, Ouija boards, marsupial roadkill, Rubik’s cubes, eggplants or any other vegetable that could be used as a missile.

Finally, sometimes it’s easier not to worry about whether you’ll pass the pat down or metal detector, get a thumbs up from the door bitch, take ten minutes to read the list of terms and conditions – and just stay at home!