THE NAKED CITY: GROOMS OF THE STOOL 

In the ongoing soap opera of the British Royal Family, one that the media rams down our throats on a daily basis, it was a relatively minor incident. Lady Susan Hussey, Prince William’s godmother and one of the late Queen’s most trusted ladies-in-waiting was forced to give up her honorary role after an unfortunate racist gaffe.

The eighty three year old caused a considerable stink when she drilled a British citizen on her African origins at an official function. The woman, Ngozi Fulani, an advocate for survivors of domestic abuse, described the exchange as a “violation”. Whilst the media focus quickly shifted to William and Kate’s celebrity jaunt through America, the significance of the incident should not be ignored – especially from an Australian perspective. 

It’s a time when the debate over the indigenous voice to Parliament has only just begun and those who oppose it, like the National Party, have already made their intentions clear. Whilst the public will decide the issue in a referendum next year the PM has signalled that any vote on Australia becoming a Republic is at least a number of years down the track.

For many the two decisions would seem inextricably linked, with the Machiavellian role of the British monarchy and their sycophants not to be underestimated.  

It’s interesting to note that one of the titles that the old school colonialist Lady Hussey held was ‘Lady of The Bedchamber’, sometimes referred to as “Woman Of  The Bed Chamber”. The latter dates back hundreds of years and historically the role was to dress and bathe the ruling female monarch. There was of course a male equivalent, one that is seldom discussed in polite company and especially just prior to a plate of cucumber sandwiches.  

“The Groom Of The Stool” was a role created during the reign of the vile, murderous and gormandizing Henry VIII, primarily to keep track of the king’s bowel movements and provide a portable commode (i.e. the ‘stool’) along with water, a wash bowl and towels. It also involved the somewhat delicate, albeit disgusting task, of wiping the ruler’s bum. This was usually done with a rag attached to a stick and given the size of the portly Henry’s posterior in his latter years, the longer the stick the better. 

Rather than an appointment of gross servility, “The ‘Groom of the King’s Close Stool’ (to give the full title) was a much sought after position, carrying a huge amount of courtly kudos. Not surprisingly the title was carried on for hundreds of years, long after the death of Henry whose rotting carcass supposedly exploded just prior to burial after a build up of toxic gases in his enormous belly. It wasn’t until 1901, when toilet paper obviously became more plentiful, that King Edward VII decided to abolish it. 

You could well argue that despite its abolition, the legacy of the groom remains in the kind of servility that is still observed by many, for the dysfunctional British monarchy. Our constitutional ties are rooted in the worst of British colonialism, one that is still reflected today by silly old sods like Lady Hussey.

In November of last year the then Prince Charles made a grovelling apology in Barbados for the sins of slavery as the country announced it was becoming a republic and ditching the queen as its head of state. Every time the Royals trot out their traditional pomp and glory and dress in their absurd ceremonial uniforms, it’s a reminder of their shameful imperial past. 

Those working tirelessly to ensure a First Nations’ voice to parliament would probably not want to see the debate confused or even hijacked by a republican push. It’s hard to separate the history of our colonialist past, entrenched in the monarchy, from the democratic rights of our indigenous peoples, but passing the referendum is essential in its own right. 

In the meantime I’d like to suggest that the position of “Groom Of The Stool” be revived, purely as a symbolic honour with no rag on a stick involved. In the absence of the once highly cherished knighthoods it could be awarded to those Australians who show an undying allegiance to the British crown and all that it stands for. Let’s even update the title and in the spirit of the stool’s original mobility, christen it “Groom Of The Portaloo”!