F&%$ THAT!!!!
BY ROGER HANNEY
I’d advise against the chowder’
The US Food & Drug Administration (FDA) has a handy booklet with a cheerful title you may not have yet heard ‘ The Food Defect Action Levels: Levels of Natural or Unavoidable Defects in Foods That Present No Health Hazards for Humans.
Thinking of eating anything from an American jar, can or restaurant’ Have an apple instead. Some of the ‘unavoidable’ but healthful ‘defects’ listed include:
‘ 30 or more fly eggs per 100 grams or 15 or more fly eggs and one or more maggots per 100 grams of tomato paste or pasta sauce
‘ 20 or more maggots of any size per 100 grams of drained canned mushrooms and proportionate liquid
‘ Up to 925 insect fragments per 10 grams of ground thyme
‘ 145 bug parts, five or more rodent hairs, and more than 125 milligrams of grit for an 18-ounce jar of peanut butter.
Other ‘acceptable’ defects listed in the manual include cigarette butts, mildew, mold, parasites, ‘insect filth’, and rat poo.
To be fair, ‘mammalian excreta’ is easier to swallow than commercial TV’s bushfire coverage.
Kiwi jackass breaks heart
And right before Valentine’s Day too.
The February 13 issue of New Zealand’s Taranaki Daily News reported that a 39-year-old male died from self-inflicted injuries incurred while trying to scare his fiancée.
One night Damon Ra Sturmey found himself locked out by his partner and stormed angrily away. He returned in the morning and made a lasting impression by shooting himself three times in the chest with a nail gun.
Unfortunately, his heart was also in his chest at the time.
In a Coen Brothers-esque touch, the paper reports that: ‘Ambulance officer Janice McGiven said she arrived to find eight or 10 people outside watching as Mr Sturmey repeatedly fell over and got back up. She said he walked toward the ambulance, telling them to go away.’
He died in hospital a half hour later.
