NAKED CITY: THE MONO – TRACKS OF MY TEARS!
Ever since the late 1980s when it first snaked its way through the streets of Sydney there’s been an unbridled hate campaign against the Monorail. The standard criticism is that it goes nowhere and is butt ugly to boot. Nevertheless it has managed to survive over two decades and during that time transported thousands and thousands of bemused commuters, tourists and fun seekers on that proverbial journey to nowhere. Is that such a bad thing?
Now as the O’Farrell Government has announced plans to rip it down, we have to ask, why the Monorail and not the Star Casino?. It’s a bit like the Lewis Black TV show, The Root Of All Evil – the Monorail versus Star City Casino – and we don’t have to tell you what we’d like to see bulldozed.
The whole problem with the Sydney Monorail is that it was never allowed to reach its full potential despite some brilliant concepts put forward over the years. Sure we’ve heard plans to run it at somewhere near the speed of the Large Hadron Collider thus creating a near “Big Bang” experience for those who dare to ride. And the suggestion to run it under rather than across the old Pyrmont Bridge, would have created a unique underwater experience provided patrons were prepared to don the appropriate scuba gear.
Both worthwhile innovations but what about our radical reworking to remove the large bulky monoral cars and allow a variety of electric vehicles specially modified to zip around the 3.6 kilometres of track. Everything from taxis to delivery vehicles and selected private vehicles would be allowed to utilize the rail, sucking electricity from the grid like a giant Scalextric set – provided they had the appropriate E-Tag.
The problem of Saturday night hoons, revving their engines and doing donuts in the CBD and Kings Cross would be solved forever as the Mono became a certified drag strip for two or three hours. Those hoons refusing to join the merry-go-round would have their car confiscated and crushed on the spot by a giant portable compactor. Any anti-social behaviour on the rail itself would be contained by diverting the offending vehicles onto a dead end drop where they would plunge deep into the murk of Darling Harbour.
Of course there’s been one suggestion already that once disassembled the Monorail might find a new home in Tasmania winding its way through the historic precincts of Hobart. Imagine the stink that would create from those that cherish ye olde ambience of Salamanca Place. Tasmania could be good but let’s bequeath the goddam thing to MONA (the Museum Of Old & New Art) where it could be readily deconstructed both physically and metaphorically and turned into a post modernist fun ride, eco powered by the methane output of the Museum’s controversial shit machine.
