Billionaires wax lyrical for coal

Big Paul Uder, as he likes to be called, is a representative of Billionaires for Coal. Due to a mix-up in paper work he was unable to deliver his speech at last weeks Forbes 500 Conference. This is it.

I was going to start my speech with ‘it’s wonderful to be among friends’, but that was for the Forbes CEOs. I didn’t expect to be standing out here with you hippies. You see I’m supposed to be across the road at the Forbes conference being held at the Four Seasons, but apparently something was wrong with our paperwork. My name is Uder. Paul Uder. My friends call me ‘Big Paul Uder’. I’m representing the ‘Billionaires for Coal’, a grassroots network of corporate polluters, lobbyists, decadent heiresses, CEOs, and other winners under Liberal and Labor’s economic policies.

I’m joined today by my colleagues, Tyke Oon and Col Berner. Some other members had to give apologies including Anne T Green, Phil T Rich and Baronessa Pink Fluff. We also have members inside the conference including my good friend Twiggy Forrest.

We sincerely welcome the world’s billionaires to Sydney. We are looking forward to catching up with Twiggy, Carlos (Slim), Steve (Forbes) and the others to discuss the urgent questions facing us as a tiny, filthy rich minority. How can we best use the crisis facing humanity to squeeze more profit out of the people for those of us who really deserve it? After all, who are these 99.9 per cent and why do they matter?

Look at Carlos Slim for example, who I’ll catching for a cuppa later on this afternoon. With his personal fortune of US$53.5 billion, he could personally fund Australia’s transition to 100% renewable energy within 10 years, from his back pocket! But no, Carlos has his priorities right. He’s not going to allow silly things like a ‘safe planet’, ‘clean air’ and ‘drinkable water’ get in the way of his next yacht or Hummer. That would truly be ridiculous!

Times are tough; it’s survival of the richest out there. We can’t let the impending climate disaster distract us from the main game. I mean, how many species do you really need? We all know wealth is health, and the wealth gap just isn’t big enough. The Forbes gathering is about making sure we leave no billionaire behind.

With representatives on every important boardroom, we will stop at nothing to ensure governments continue to put profit over the ‘needs’ of people and the planet. After all, we know a good Prime Minister when we buy one.

Twiggy should receive an achievement award for his role in thwarting Rudd’s mining tax. At least our Julia seems to understand that taxes aren’t for everyone. Where was Twiggy supposed to come up with that money anyway? He might lose his spot on the Forbes rich list for god’s sake!

People out there sometimes think we don’t care about them. But we certainly do: we’d like to sincerely thank the people for paying our fair share.

So in conclusion, we welcome the Forbes 400. We salute you and your persistent efforts to put our profits ahead of everyone and everything, including this quaint little planet. We’ve already pledged to buy another planet should this one fail, and will continue to provide the fuel – black gold – for your global economic, ‘master mariner’, corporate pirate ambitions. HUZZAH!!!